Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
