i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM VODKA MAN
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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