Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
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so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
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Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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