i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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