I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
