remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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