The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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