Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
