just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it was like eating out sand paper
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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