maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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