Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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