Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
