accomplished twins. life is a go
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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