a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
