Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
