you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I fill condoms, not promises.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
