I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
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