I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
