You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
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Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
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I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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