So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
