If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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