i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm at about main and main street
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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