Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
