Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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