even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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