it wasn't lemon gatorade
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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