Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
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Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life