If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Less talking, more tequila
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.