you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
