This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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