I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
