I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
