i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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