Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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