Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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