Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
