remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well I just put wine in my tea
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
