woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
