I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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