Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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