How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
