she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
