there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
