I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
