you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Randomize
