Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize