I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
