i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
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Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."