I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.