Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?