I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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