Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
