When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I could fuck to npr.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains