She is in my trunk
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
