I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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