How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
