Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
