I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
