no, he came in my armpit
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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