i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
