I'm gonna have a badass scar
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
