Your favorite bartender is back from prision
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
