Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
