oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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